


Feelings Jam

by garyc0re



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Child Neglect, Drinking, F/F, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Lesbian Character, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Substance Abuse, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26056960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/garyc0re/pseuds/garyc0re
Summary: Rose and Kanaya have a feelings jam about Rose's mommy issues.
Relationships: Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Kudos: 9





	Feelings Jam

TT: Kanaya.  
TT: I think I have a problem.  
GA: A Problem  
TT: Yes.  
TT: I wish this were easier to say. I'm not Dave; I can't just spew my issues out in some mumbo-jumbo tangent, so that everyone understands the gist of what I'm feeling but never the full thing.  
TT: I wish I could do that because I don't know where to begin. Maybe if I were a little less elegant with these things I would be able to confront it without making a mess of myself.  
GA: May I Offer Some Advice  
TT: I would not be opposed to it.  
GA: Rose  
GA: You Do Not Have To Be Another Dave To Talk Around Your Own Issues  
GA: You Have Your Own Voice Which Includes Your Own Way Of Doing Things  
GA: You Can Talk About Your Issues While Wrapped Around Graceful Sentence Structures And You Will Still Feel As Vulnerable As Anyone Else  
GA: Just Be Yourself And Talk To Me  
TT: ...  
TT: Thank you.  
TT: This is just hard for me, you see. I was never quite allowed to show emotion growing up.  
TT: My mother would weaponize it against me or ignore it altogether. It isn't something I was necessarily taught how to work through in a healthy way.  
GA: I Understand  
GA: Just Remember That She Is Not Here  
GA: It Is Just Us And Three Thousand Miles Of Space  
TT: Ahah.  
TT: I guess you're right.  
TT: You know that I trust you, right, Kanaya?  
GA: I Would Hope So  
GA: Otherwise Us Dating Might Be A Bit Conflicting  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: I just... I think I have too much time to think about things that happened growing up.  
TT: With my mother, I mean, and why she did the things she did.  
TT: I know that the things she did doesn't define who I am but I just...  
TT: I have this feeling that I have to be like her.  
TT: I don't know if its due to the emotional neglect I went through or if I simply miss her.  
TT: Though I do wish I could say that I don't miss someone who was so terrible to me for my first thirteen years of life, it simply isn't the case for me.  
TT: This is so difficult to talk about.  
GA: You Do Not Have To Talk About It  
TT: No, I do.  
TT: I'm holding the team back with these issues.  
GA: You're Doing No Such Thing  
TT: I have a drinking problem, Kanaya.  
TT: My mother had one too. I only started drinking because I wanted to understand why.  
GA: Oh  
GA: I See  
TT: I feel like such a mess.  
TT: This isn't something I've ever given this much thought to. I don't know if it was repressed before or if I was simply too busy to give it much thought.  
TT: I've never been stuck on a meteor for three years, after all.  
TT: But I truly do believe the anger I had towards my mother was mostly staged.  
TT: That is, in order to cover up my hurt and disappointment.  
TT: I wanted her to be a better parent. I wanted her to recover from her addiction.  
TT: The fact that she never did haunts me. Sometimes, in fleeting moments, I wonder if she didn't recover because of me.  
TT: Before you protest, I know that isn't true. But I cannot help feeling this way sometimes.  
TT: Emotions are complicated. I think I may have developed some sort of genuine trauma from her.  
TT: It makes sense. As a child I was treated only as some sort of trophy to flaunt.  
TT: I was never given any affection. I don't think she ever even hugged me.  
TT: It hurts a lot to think about and I just don't understand why.  
TT: It makes sense that she was a bad person. Or maybe an ignorant person, who didn't understand how to raise a child.  
TT: But if she was bad at taking care of me, shouldn't I hate her? Shouldn't I be furious?  
TT: Truthfully, looking back, I'm just really disappointed.  
TT: And sad. And I miss her.  
TT: ...  
TT: I wish she were still alive so that we could work things out. Maybe she could have improved as a parent, had I given her a chance.  
TT: Maybe the fact that I want that reality to happen is the reason I started drinking in the first place.  
TT: And maybe my unresolved issues with her are the reason why it is so difficult for me to stop.  
GA: Rose I Do Hope You Know That What You Went Through Was Never Your Fault  
GA: No Matter What You Say She Was The Adult  
GA: No Adult Should Ever Treat A Child The Way She Treated You  
GA: I Cannot Speak Of Her Intentions And No Amount Of Debating It To Yourself Will Help You Understand Them Any More Clearly Than I Will  
GA: Just Remember  
GA: Intentions Dont Equal Impact  
GA: Even If Her Intentions Were The Purest Most Heroic Intentions On Your Planet She Still Hurt You Deeply  
GA: You Say She Never Showed You Any Familial Affection And While I Cannot Begin To Understand Family Bonds Due To Our Cultural Disconnect I Know That That Is An Important Part Of Human Development  
GA: She Would Have Known This Even More Than I And She Didnt Care Enough To Treat You Better Than She Did  
GA: Your Emotions Are Also Completely Okay In Whatever Way You Feel  
GA: I Had A Friend On This Meteor Once Who Murdered Our Friends And Turned Evil But That Doesnt Stop Me From Missing Him And Thinking About Him From Time To Time  
GA: These Things Are A Natural Part Of Grieving And Youre Allowed To Grieve  
TT: I just wish I could grieve without putting the burden of my grief onto you and the others.  
GA: You Are Doing No Such Thing  
GA: You Have Never Been A Burden  
GA: I Like Helping You Because You Are My Matespirit  
GA: That Counts For A Lot Rose  
TT: Thank you.  
TT: On the plus side I started dissolving vitamins into my morning bottle of whiskey.  
GA: Well Im Sure That Vitamins Are A Plus Although I Wish You Did Not Drink So Often  
TT: I'm going to do better with it.  
TT: I know its going to be hard but I think you and Dave and Vriska are all right.  
TT: This is holding me back from my full potential. You've told me time and time again that this isn't good for me.  
TT: I have a problem, because I'm broken. And I intend to fix it as I mend my soul.  
GA: I Do Not Believe You To Be Broken  
GA: You Are Simply In Need Of Guidance  
GA: And Admittedly A Lot Of Love And Patience  
GA: These Things Take Time You Know  
TT: Yes, but I'm making the conscious decision right now to fix this.  
TT: I'm going to stop drinking so much.  
TT: And I'm not just saying that this time.  
GA: You Dont Have To Quit All By Yourself  
GA: I Am Always Here For You  
GA: Let Me Help You  
TT: How?  
GA: If You Have The Urge To Drink You Can Come To Me And We Can Do Something To Distract You From It  
GA: How Does That Sound  
TT: ...  
TT: It sounds lovely.  
TT: Thank you, Kanaya. For everything.  
GA: Anytime

**Author's Note:**

> twitter is @/garyc0re


End file.
